tonight lets celebrate not being married
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
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