why im i the only drunk person in the library?
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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