Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Randomize
