Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
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