My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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