Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Randomize
