i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Randomize
