My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Randomize
