I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Randomize
