I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
