You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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