I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
