Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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