I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Randomize
