Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
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