My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Randomize
