I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I look better un-naked...
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
