I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
