He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Randomize
