He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
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Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
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Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
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