i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
