how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
