in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
