Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
