put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
