"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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