I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
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