I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Randomize
