I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Randomize
