I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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