i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Well I just put wine in my tea
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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