He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
