i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
