Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
