I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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