Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
