she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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