my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
