I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Randomize
