Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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