Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Randomize
