So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
