saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
ok first of all what the fuck
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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