if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
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