my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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