theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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