I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
