I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
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The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
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my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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