who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
