He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
