i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
My life is pants optional.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
