great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
ttyl tear gas
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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