i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
