Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
