Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
