if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
