I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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