i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
