I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Randomize
