News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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