he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I currently don't understand fingers.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
