just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
