saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
